New York City. I never thought I would return to this part of the world again. Manhattan has a bit of a special place in my memory. I know it well enough, but not that well. In my last year of uni, back when I was completing my degree in art history, I decided that I really wanted to study abroad and NYC was one of the options. The university in question was located in New Jersey, but it was the closest to NYC amongst my choices (only an hour away by local bus) and there was a course I was especially eager to take called Art in New York. (For anyone interested, I took part in a program called NSE – National Student Exchange.)
As a result, I spent every Saturday of that semester gallivanting around the city, soaking everything in, from old masterpieces at the Met to contemporary works by up-and-coming artists in Bushwick. I have very fond memories of my time there, but they’re mostly art & architecture related. (Don’t ask me where the trendiest coffee shops are, I have no idea. And I was never a fan of musicals.) And once that semester came to and end, that was it for me. I had no plans of coming back, and that was ten years ago. But it was the universe that had the last word and I was given the chance of another encounter.
To me the Big Apple is fierce and fiery, the only place in the world where you can take a bite full of life. It’s the concrete jungle of big dreams and aspirations, the place to unleash potential and creative madness. There’s an electrifying buzz in the air. Everything is awake and alive; this is where things are happening! And so I asked myself, “Has anything happened in my life lately?” Because you see, I feel like my life has reached a plateau and I can’t see what comes next. Fertility care feels like putting life on standby. I have a hard time planning for the future, because I’m anticipating a what if outcome. It makes me feel restless. Is this how the perpetual tension of Saturn conjunct Uranus shows up in my chart?
Being confronted with the energy of NYC revealed something that has been nagging at me, a truth that is only whispered in the dark. “Maybe I’m not ready for this motherhood gig?” Sounds crazy, right?! Perhaps I’ve been anticipating for so long that I find myself getting cold feet every other month, but the truth is there was once a core desired feeling that I could not shake off: freedom. Yes I want the baby, BUT… but I also want the freedom to travel and practice intense asana and run wild without any responsibility.
And that to me is what defines the Three of Swords: the conflict between what the heart yearns for and what the mind wants. It’s this tug of war that results in stress, stagnation, and a general lack of direction in life. (No wonder we need to rest in the Four of Swords!) In the past, I often hid behind the fear of fertility treatment. I’m not necessarily one to get squeamish at the sight of needles or blood, but I can’t say fertility treatment is pleasant. The meds cause me to feel out of sync with myself: crazy night sweats, internal heating of lymph nodes, tenderness in the ovaries, etc. And then, of course, the fear of succumbing to another ectopic. But the real truth? I mostly feared that I would lose my “me freedom.”
But the realisation I had with New York is this. The real freedom that I want is moksha. To be grounded & empowered, to be fearlessly in love with my own skin and with life, to be an unwavering guide and support for my children. Basically, to become the creatrix and embody the Goddess. (And no, to me moksha is not to transcend this reality, that is someone else’s moksha.) Yet the so-called “me freedom” that I cling to is an attachment to ego and materialism. Because, yes of course it’s possible to do all those things that I want to do with children. The people that I look up to are doing exactly that.
What I’ve been imagining is some sort of disillusioned carefree reality where things are being taken care of for me. But is that really the best version of myself? Is that the person I actually want to be? How is that living life freely, to the fullest? What I heard from New York is a need to redefine my core desired feeling. The freedom that I crave for is the freedom to live my true nature. Am I ready for it? But if not now, when? (Geospirituality is pretty cool, no? The vibes of NYC allowing me to ponder on freedom, right next to Libertas..)
A few words on geospirituality: In essence, it’s a practice that allows me to connect with the energy of a specific place with the help of decks & books. It’s also an opportunity to be present with the land, the spirits, the flora & fauna, and the people (this is why I study languages). Travelling is a fun ingredient of this magical brew, but not always necessary. What’s different and essential about geospirituality is the journaling aspect.
In this instance, I chose to explore the very fashionable, urban & creative energy of the Big Apple using the Bad Bitches Tarot, the Sacred Creators Oracle, and the Urban Crow Oracle. (I bring all my chosen decks with me when I travel, so they can absorb some of the local energy!)
Featured decks:
Bad Bitches Tarot (Ethony, art by Lena Semenkova & Sasha Semenkova)
Urban Crow Oracle (MJ Cullinane)
Sacred Creators Oracle (Chris-Anne)
Featured book:
Jones, W. (2012). How to Read New York: A Crash Course in Big Apple Architecture. Rizzoli.