Recently I was observing myself shift between sadness and anger, back and forth throughout an entire day. I must have lost a few years of my life from all the emotional rollercoaster. I've always known that in my body worry dwells in the guts. But it was from this moment that I realised sadness is felt in the heart, while anger resides in the head. And I don't mean in the head as in "not real." It is very real. I'm referring to what anger feels like and what it leads to. For example, the more I worry, the more symptoms I feel in the guts that affect digestion. Similarly, when I experience sadness, there is a swelling of the heart centre that becomes larger and larger to the point of incapacitation. And anger? To me, anger is felt in the head because it leads to dangerous urges. The angrier I become, the darker my thoughts spiral. And dark thoughts are very addictive.
Anyone that’s experienced fertility care even for two seconds will know how exhausting it can be. Physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, and especially emotionally. ART is not a one-time deal. Perhaps there are people that become pregnant from simply going through one cycle of timed intercourse, maybe that exists. But for many of us, we’re talking about months or even years. This is not for the faint of heart. It’s not a cute side hustle that you only do on the weekends.
We are always thinking about it, always, every single moment of the day; measuring our BBT, monitoring our cycles, doing acupuncture, getting bloodwork done, going to ultrasound exams, taking oral medication, performing our own injections, peeing on LH strips, preparing for an IUI, waiting for the hCG results, worrying about the next round of treatment, going on waitlist to attempt IVF, and then maybe having to restart everything all over again at a new clinic. All this while also being a caregiver to an elderly parent, or taking care of other children, or juggling a full-time job.
And then come along the well-intentioned people. Those people brimming with so much medical knowledge that they cannot wait to give you their highly sought after opinion. They’re always ready to share with you their BEST well-intentioned platitudes: You need to eat these foods, You need to pray every day, You need to try this *miraculous* method, and my favourite of all, You just need to relax. No shit, Sherlock.
It’s clear that the majority of people are uncomfortable with pain. In their own lives, they may be bypassing their own issues with unhealthy patterns, addictions, and denials. And yet, they remain far superior. They had no trouble conceiving and have therefore received the gold stamp of approval from the fertility gods. Only they can fix you. A round of applause, please. We are so impressed. Where do we sign up?
Once the well-intentioned people finally disperse, you encounter an even slyer group: the I-don’t-know-what’s-going-on-but-I-expect-you-to-perform group. It’s a mouthful and they’re a mouth full of unrealistic expectations based on what they don’t even know about your life. How could they when they never ask? Forget the how are you’s and what can I do to help you’s. It was never about you in the first place. I want you to help me. I want you to do this for me, I want you to do that. And you can’t say no, I will be so disappointed if you say no, and you would also disappoint so many people.
And when you refuse because you’re busy injecting yourself with meds and aren’t feeling too hot most of the time? Did you hear that? She refused! How could she? Woe is me. Those people really deserve a special place in the heavens. They’re such good people; they are the victims after all. And if somehow you finally crumble under the pressure and tell them about your situation because you really need a break, they immediately transform into well-intentioned people.
I knew fertility care would be a difficult journey but I never thought the exhaustion would come from the people around me. I’ve written before on unworthiness and the story repeats itself here. It’s obvious that many of us undertaking ART are feeling inadequate in some way or other. Maybe we think our body has failed us. But we still try our best to follow the protocols and cope with the difficult emotions that come with yet another negative pregnancy test result. And we are one hundred percent allowed to deal with this privately. Or so you would think.
Somehow, when it comes to fertility, everybody and their dog needs to get involved and everybody has an opinion. And everyone seems to know better than you and your doctors. On top of that, they’re always quick to tell you that you’re not doing enough. “Infuriating” is too mild of a word. When I feel humoured, I imagine these people like ghost-mouths floating around my head, constantly yapping nonsensical banalities. And on darker days, I peruse the internet for locked-room murders. Of course I’ve read Conan Doyle.
For the person on the outside that has no clue what fertility care is like, here are two things you can do: hold space and listen, or don’t engage at all. We do not care for your opinions. We did not ask for your advice. We especially do not need your judgement. And when we say no, we really mean no. It’s not a maybe-let-me-think-about-it, it’s a big fat no. And no, we do not need to justify ourselves. Just respect that and move on.
🌒 ♈
Decks featured:
Memento Mori: Lenormand and Oracle Deck (Claire Goodchild)
Southern Gothic Oracle (Stacey Williams-Ng)
Antique Anatomy Tarot, Italian edition (Claire Goodchild)