Leaving aside card meaning for a moment, I find very poignant the quiet violence that exists in these two illustrations. In the Body card, there is a sense that something foreign and abnormal is growing inside. With the card on the right, my eyes travel from the knife to the blood that is splattered on the womb. It's like that. A part of the belly is suddenly overcome with piercing pain and there is a lot of internal bleeding.
If you do a quick search, you will learn that an ectopic pregnancy occurs when the embryo implants outside of the uterus, most commonly in one of the fallopian tubes (but not always). Since the embryo continues to grow, not recognising it is not at home, it eventually outgrows and ruptures the neighbouring tissues. It is in essence a very early form of pregnancy loss as the embryo cannot be saved. If a tube was affected, it will also be removed during surgery. Okay, but what does it actually feel like in the body to have an ectopic?
Every pregnancy is different, just as I’m sure every ectopic is different. My own ectopic started on an ordinary not-so-ordinary Monday (it was in fact my solar return). I had bled two weeks prior and on this very Monday my basal body temperature indicated a very weak incline. Unremarkable and nothing to be alarmed about. I had just finished lunch and was about to resume work when a sharp pain in the low belly caught me by surprise. The kind of pain that lasts just long enough to wonder if something is wrong.
The initial impulse was to go to the bathroom thinking it was indigestion. But nothing happened, no bowel movement. And it certainly could not have been period pain since I already had my period. Shortly after, I started to have cold sweats and really wanted to lie down. I remember the walk from the bathroom to the bed was excruciatingly painful and slow. It felt as if my insides had been ripped apart and my right leg was dislodged. All I managed in the end was to collapse right in the middle of the bed, not even having the strength to cover myself. And I just lay there, breathing heavily, shivering.
After an eternity (i.e., an hour), the initial pain subsided into a dull throbbing. I managed to finally slide underneath a blanket and stayed there, waiting for this ‘stomachache’ to pass. As a side note, I will mention that I frequently experience dysmenorrhea and am used to dealing with intense belly pain at the start of my period. This was different in three ways. First, the pain wasn’t going away whereas dysmenorrhea for me usually only lasts a few hours. Second, I felt it on the lower right side of the belly. Normally, period pain doesn’t feel as localised and I was actually starting to wonder if this was a case of appendicitis. Third, my shoulders were getting sore, like very sore. A little pro tip from me to you: When the shoulders feel painful, it’s time for the ER.
There are two main tests to identify an ectopic pregnancy: bloodwork to measure the level of β-hCG (aka a pregnancy test) and a transvaginal ultrasound. Side note: I have the sneaky habit of always peeking at the ultrasound monitor and there was indeed a lot of blood. Once an ectopic is confirmed, the next step is surgery (called a laparoscopy) to remove the affected tissues and embryo. Mine was an ovarian ectopic, so no tube was affected. The waiting time was very long (∼ 12 hrs), but the actual procedure is quick (∼ 20 min) and I was under general anaesthesia.
I’ll skip forward in time to post-surgery recovery. The first two days were the worst. I felt tremendously bloated and had absolutely zero core strength. It took very gradual, meticulous movements to get out of bed. Walking the stairs is said to be ok, but that didn’t feel good. Some other sensations: bruising and tenderness, a sore throat, menstrual bleeding (again..). Boredom as well, as I can only remain in bed for so long. It’s important to note that the body still has all the preparatory pregnancy hormones and is readjusting. In particular, moving too fast caused dizziness and headache. Luckily, this only lasted about a week and I took time off. On the medical side, the doctor will want to monitor bloodwork until the level of β-hCG is less than 5 IU/L (this took almost six weeks for me). A sonohysterogram at a later time may be recommended as well.
If you are wondering, “but how could you not know you were pregnant?” well, that’s an entirely different story altogether. But I’ll give you the elevator pitch: we took a pregnancy test two weeks after an IUI and it was negative. The ectopic happened two weeks after that. To make this very esoteric: it’s not clear how this happened although we saw a L4 releasing with my Lot of Eros. I’ll leave the astrology talk for another day.
I’m sharing this story to honour the spirit baby that has left and to give voice to an experience that is not often talked about. To be honest, the chances of having an ectopic are quite slim, especially one that is not located in one of the tubes. I found some medical information online but couldn’t find anyone that shared their personal experience. Maybe this will help someone. Also, I have a gentle yoga ritual to support an ectopic pregnancy, if you feel inclined.
🌘 ♍
Featured decks:
Iris Oracle (Spirit Speak)
Outgrow Yourself Oracle Tarot (Äkta Spåman)